Top Twenty Signs It's Time to Leave the
RG's Hospitality Suite
By Richard
Writer
[Originally appeared in the September, 1996 Momentum]
20. Your blood type is now
"Java"
21. You've been in Smoking Hospitality so long, your skin is
yellow from the nicotine
22. You discover that the tongue licking the back of your neck
for the last half hour belongs to a St. Bernard
17. You've been lying on the floor so long the hotel staff runs a
vacuum over you twice a day
18. There are so few people left, you ask yourself for a massage
19. Your "Group Hug" has reached the point of gridlock,
and now no one can leave the room
20. A total stranger hands you a quarter and asks you to watch
her coat
21. You've eaten so much food, the buttons popping off your shirt
are a safety hazard
22. You have the caffeine jitters so bad you can make a milkshake
just by trying to hold a glass of milk in your hand
11. Someone asks "where's the dip?" and you feel
fingers pointing in your direction
12. You see Sam Adams himself serving the beer
9. All the women in the room are holding signs saying "Yes,
but not with you"
8. Someone thanks you personally for the high price of his stock
in Anheuser-Busch
7. Your campaign for President is hindered by your reputation as
a "Washington Insider" (Pardon me, that was for "Signs
It's Time to Leave the U.S. Senate")
7. You think the four food groups are milk chocolate, dark
chocolate, white chocolate, and fudge
6. A total stranger hands you a dollar and thanks you for
watching her coat
5. You are handed a certificate for "Most Likely To Be Seen
In Hospitality"
4. You have received so much intellectual stimulation, your head
feels like it could explode
3. You've spent the last hour discussing the metaphysical
properties of yeast and hops
2. You glance into D-SIG and everyone is wearing clothes
1. You get asked to help clean up
[Originally appeared in the October, 1997 Momentum]
10. Mensans prefer
M&M's to Reese's Pieces
9. No Point in a Mensan asking "Take me to your leader"
8. We know how to spell P-O-T-A-T-O no E, "Potato"
7. No one's going to spend Hollywood megabucks trying to show the
Harvard Library
6. We can program VCRs, aliens can only scramble them
5. We like Chuck Berry, not Elvis
4. Our green tint is only residual radiation from computer
monitors, theirs is from chlorophyll
3. We'd never grab a backwoods hillbilly and experiment on him
with body probes --- okay, most of us wouldn't.
2. We can write a ditty a lot better than five notes and no
chords
1. We party harder